


Internal Darkness

by ReginasSass



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, F/F, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Swan-Mills Family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-19
Updated: 2015-08-01
Packaged: 2018-04-05 05:18:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4167417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReginasSass/pseuds/ReginasSass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma Swan has not had the most ideal upbringing. She moved to Storybrooke, Maine for a fresh start and has since found her soul mate, a group of friends and has a job as Sheriff. She was sure her life was looking up until her past catches up with her and triggers a series of Mental Health problems. Rated: Explicit. SwanQueen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Trigger for mentions of past Child Abuse, Abuse/Sexual Abuse and Violence.

Emma sat at her desk watching as the clock ticked by. She was sure that it had stopped given that every time she looked at it only a minute had passed. She groaned and put her feet up on the corner of the desk and indulged in a sugary doughnut paired with the biggest mug of stale coffee going. She could sure do with a proper drink and not just of the hot kind either. Emma contemplated her options for a couple more minutes before picking up her phone and texting both Ruby and Belle. Sure enough straight after the message she had sent the message she had received two back confirming their excitement of drinks at the Rabbit Hole later that evening. 

A full mug of coffee and two doughnuts later Emma glanced at the clock once again and thanked whatever higher power there was out there that it was time to finally go home. She put her mug in the sink deciding to wash it tomorrow before grabbing her jacket and leaving the sheriff station as fast as her feet would allow. Once she got into her bright yellow bug her phone rang she took one look at the caller ID before answering feeling instantly better hearing that voice,

“Good Evening, Sheriff Swan, I do hope that you have washed up your pots at the station. I would hate to get more complaints filed against you and your tardiness.” 

Emma could almost hear the smirk on the mayor's face, the mayor who just so happened to also be her girlfriend. The blonde bit her lip as she tried to dismiss the accusation, 

“You know I always clean up after myself, 'Gina.”

The blonde's ears filled with sarcastic laughter from the offending earpiece to her phone. Damn Regina and her high pitched squeal; she really needed to talk to her about that at some point.

“Very funny dear, that's the best thing I have heard all day. I thought your parents preached about honesty and being of pure mind?”

“Whatever.” Emma faked a pout before changing the direction of the conversation, desperate to get home and get ready for the girls night out, “Did you want something specific or...?”

“I just wanted to ask if you could pick up a few things from the grocery store on the way home for dinner? I'm all out of pasta and mince.”

“I'm not surprised with the amount of lasagne you make.” The blonde shared a giggle with her love before confirming she would pick up the ingredients. “Oh, Reggie?”

Regina knew without even having to see the sheriff that something was coming that she was possibly not going to like, but she held back and braced herself for the fall all the same, “Yes, dear?”

“I'm really sorry but I'm not sure if I'm going to be home for dinner. You see, I've asked Ruby and Belle if they wanted to meet at the Rabbit Hole for a few drinks and a catch up. I haven't seen them for a while and I would ask you to join us but...”

“...You know how busy I am darling and how much I hate that hell hole so I understand, of course I do. Not to worry I will make sure to have some with you for supper when you get home then, how is that?”

Emma's heart swelled and she smiled down the phone. Regina never ate after seven pm so for her to make this one exception and be so welcoming to the idea of her going out to a place she deemed unsuitable and a “hell hole” made her love grow stronger for the mayor of Stroybrooke, Maine,

“Thank you, really. I love you Reggie.”

“And I you dear. Now, don't forget the groceries and I will call you probably later on tonight. I highly doubt that I am going to make it home before you go out. I've still got reports to finish and boring town council stuff. You know how it is.”

Emma chuckled, which sounded like music to Regina's ears,

“Yeah, I do. I hope you get finished soon so you can relax once you get home and do what you do best. Drive safe later, okay?”

“Okay. You be safe too and call me if you need picking up or anything. Give my love to Ruby and Belle.”

“I will do. Bye, baby.”

“Bye, dear.”

Emma hung up her phone and made her way over to the local grocery store. She hated shopping and was in and out within five minutes. She climbed back into her bug and set off for the mansion on 108 Mifflin Street, pulling up into the driveway before vacating the bug with her brown paper bag of shopping for Regina and heading to the kitchen to put them away safely and in the order that Regina expected. 

Once she was sure everything was in order, she went upstairs to their bedroom, quickly discarding the red leather jacket in a heap on the floor. The blonde turned to look at it and grinned, knowing full well that the brunette would be more appreciative if it stayed there rather than on the sheriff. Emma walked over to the large wardrobe that dominated the north wall and peered inside it for something to wear. After five minutes of digging, she settled on a hot pink body con dress that she wore back in her bail bond days in Boston. The blonde smiled fondly at the dress, slinging it over her shoulder before going back in search of the ridiculous high heels to match. She returned to the bed throwing the dress and heels down onto it and shimmied out of her tank top and skinny jeans. It had been a while since Emma had the opportunity to dress up; being sheriff you had to dress for practicality and comfort, not to look good.

The saviour glanced at herself in the mirror, turning this way and that to make sure she was happy with her outfit before taking a seat at Regina's dresser and turning on the curling iron. Whilst she waited for it to heat up, she applied a lighter pink shade of lipstick and some eyeliner just in time to hear the beep to confirm that the iron was now ready. A whole ten minutes later the blonde straight hair had been transformed into loose curls. Satisfied, Emma turned off the iron and placed it on the heatproof mat and added some perfume and a necklace to complete her look. She looked in the mirror once again and smiled to herself, damn she looked good! The blonde whipped out her phone taking a few selfies and body shots for Regina's benefit. She wanted her to see how she looked before getting sweaty dancing at the Rabbit Hole, or “Hell Hole” as the mayor preferred to call it.

Emma gathered her phone and monies, stuffing them into her clutch then took a long look around the bedroom, making sure that everything was neatly put away. She knew that Regina did not really mind if there was the odd thing out of place but if she came into a messy room she used this disapproving stare that did both good and bad things to the blonde. The sheriff quickly bent down picking up her leather jacket and hung it up on the rack behind the door. She had turned off the curling iron, check. Got her clutch, check. Money? Check. Phone? Check. She was all set for her night out with two of her first-ever friends.

The blonde decided to walk to the Rabbit Hole. It was a nice evening and she could do with the air. The sheriff noticed a few heads turning and smiled to herself, knowing that Regina would most probably kill anyone if she even knew that they'd looked at what was rightfully hers. A couple of blisters later Emma arrived at the bar and was almost instantly deafened by two brunette's running and screaming straight towards her with arms outstretched.

“EMMMMMMMMMMMMMA!!! HIIIIIIIIIIII!”

Emma braced herself, ready for the impact from the two overly excited brunette's. She was sure to go over on her ass otherwise. She had never been one for hugs or contact of any sort but with these two, she could make the exception, oh and Regina, of course.

“Hi! Have you two started without me?!” Emma developed a look of mock shock and hurt but could not keep it up for long, especially seeing Belle's pout.

“Well duh. You know we drink before we go out anywhere! Besides you were taking so long and we were both so thirsty.” Ruby placed her hand on her hip in defence causing the blonde to laugh.

“How could I forget? You are world renowned for your drinking skills, Ruby Lucas.”

Belle finally caught up to the situation and gave them both a pointed eye roll, dragging them over to the bar, 

“Honestly? Are you two just going to banter the whole evening or are we actually going to drink and dance?!” 

It was Emma's turn to eye roll. Of course they wanted to dance, something the blonde never really enjoyed doing but for tonight she was sure she could manage one or two numbers. The music in this place was usually old and needed some serious updating, something that the owners had finally done.

“I'll have a beer then, if that's your way of offering. Thanks Belle.” Emma winked and smirked as Belle turned her attention to the taller brunette who also confirmed she too would have a beer. 

Once the trio all had drinks, Ruby spotted a booth and made a beeline towards it, holding onto Belle's hand who had hold of Emma's. They had reached the vacant booth just in time before a group of other drinkers and sat down, earning a few comments from the others. Ruby glared and sneered at the guys daring them to come on over and say something to their faces rather than behind their backs. Emma just took another mouthful of beer not letting them ruin her night. 

“Jerks. Anyway, how was your day? How's things with Regina going?” 

Belle fired away the questions over the loud modern dance music the sheriff had only just got what she was asking and most of that was down to lip reading. If they wanted to have this kind of catch up then maybe meeting at the bar was not the best plan. Emma smiled lovingly at the mention of Regina's name that almost sounded like a melody coming from the Aussie's lips.

“My day was very boring and unproductive. As for Regina, she's great. We both are.” Emma could feel her pale complexion turn a hot pink. She guzzled down the rest of her beer at an attempt to disguise it as “beer flush.”

Ruby smirked, catching onto Emma blushing and nudged Belle just as she was taking a good mouthful of her drink, and as a result, she ended up spilling half of it down her top. She gave Ruby a look and a light shake of the head.

“You are lucky this is not one of my favourites!”

“Oh shut up and look at our Sheriff blushing over you mentioning you know whooooo!”

Emma pouted and threw a tissue at the pair before jumping up and gesturing over to the bar, seeing as it was now her turn to get the round in. Ruby went for a cocktail whereas Belle stuck to the beer which surprised the blonde. She needed something a bit stronger herself so decided to join Ruby in whatever the hell she had asked her to order. The sheriff set up a tab at the bar, knowing that the trio would be staying there for a while. 

Once she got their drinks, she headed back to her two friends, being careful so not to spill or bump into people. When she got back to their booth, she set the drinks down and slid back into her seat, eyeing her and Ruby's cocktail suspiciously. Ruby raised a brow at Emma and exchanged a look with Belle.

“It's a cocktail, Emma. You know like a mixture of spirits?”

The blonde glared at the wolf playfully as she brought the glass up to her lips taking a slow tentative sip coming to the conclusion that it was not all that bad

“I know what a cocktail is, Rubes. I just know you and your definition of one.” Emma smirked at Ruby's offended look, 'causing the younger of the trio to snort with laughter

“She does have a point; I wouldn't drink anything that you recommend.” 

Ruby rolled her eyes and took a long sip until the next song came blaring out of the sound system. Her eyes lit up and she was on her feet, dragging both Emma and Belle onto the dance floor.

“I LOVE this song!”

The sheriff was thankful that the cocktail did have a fair amount of alcohol in it. She would not have been up dancing otherwise. She could feel eyes on her but with another quick sip she soon forgot and let the music take over her body. She soaked up the atmosphere and tried to make sure that she would not forget this experience, having never been dancing in a club until very recently. She brought her attention back to her two friends and saw Ruby grinding upon Belle and rolled her eyes. It was about time! She could so tell that the librarian and the wolf fancied each other; she just did not realise how long it would take for them to act upon it. Perhaps the alcohol gave them that final push. She continued dancing and her eyes flew open to Belle in front of her and Ruby behind both grinding and dancing happily Emma laughed and held onto Belle's hips pulling her closer earning a low growl in her ear from the wolf. She titled her head back so she could talk to her,

“Don't worry Rubes, I have a woman at home. I will not steal yours.” 

“That's a shame Sheriff. I was going to invite you back to my place later.” Ruby winked, 'causing the blonde to almost choke on her drink.

The music faded out and the sound of the last orders bell filled the bar the sheriff dug her phone out of her bag and realised that it was nearing on for 3am. She quickly drank the last of her drink and went into the bathroom to phone Regina. It was not in her intentions to be out so late and she remembered that there was lasagne waiting for her when she did get back home. The mayor answered on the third ring,

“Regina I'm so sorry baby I didn't realise the time!”

“It's okay dear. Are you having fun?”

“It's not okay. You're clearly still awake waiting for me to come home. I should have kept a closer eye on time...”

Regina was not upset or annoyed at her love. She was quite the opposite she was glad that Emma was letting her hair down and enjoying herself for once and that made her happy.

“Emma, really it is okay. I'm just happy that you're having fun. I hope Belle and Ruby are taking care of you?”

“Of course they are. They can't seem to stop bumping and grinding on me though.” Emma smirked down the line at hearing Regina's mock gasp of shock and horror

“I will be having words with Miss Lucas and French tomorrow for that matter!” 

“Eh, they're harmless. I just wished it was you doing the grinding that's all.” Emma's smirk turned into a grin.

“Sheriff Swan! Is that anyway to talk to your boss?” 

Emma laughed. She could almost see the eye roll and grin that was currently plastered all over her girlfriend's face.

“Oh, I am sorry Madame Mayor. Please do forgive me?”

“I will sort out some punishment for you Sheriff. For now, go and enjoy the rest of your night. I'm sure they will be closing soon. Do you want me to come and get you?”

The blonde smiled lovingly at Regina's offer but she was sure to be safe walking with Ruby and Belle. The mansion on Mifflin Street was not too far away from Ruby's place so she shook her head.

“No, it's okay, baby. I'll walk with Ruby and Belle. You stay there where it's nice and warm and I will see you soon, okay?”

Regina worried her brow. She did not like the thought of Emma walking home alone when it was so late and intoxicated. She just sighed softly and respected her love’s wishes.

“Okay, dear. Be safe. I will see you soon. I love you.”

“I love you too, 'Gina.”

Emma was surprised that Regina actually ended the phone call first. Usually she was the one who had to do that, because the brunette would say, “I don't want to stop hearing your voice,” which warmed Emma to the core. She put her phone back into her clutch and went back to the dance floor, finding her friends at the bar getting the last drinks in for the evening. Emma went over to them and joined them in taking shots. After the first five she lost count, Belle dropped out having had enough but she turned into the official shot photographer getting plenty of what would be incriminating evidence of the town's sheriff giving Ruby a run for her money. Belle asked the bartender to get some more shots lined up for the two elder women but he responded by telling her that they were waiting to close. Emma looked around and noticed that they were now the last ones in the bar and mumbled her apologies before paying her tab and stumbling out of the Rabbit Hole with the two brunettes. 

When they approach Granny's, the sheriff was trying her best to assist Ruby in keeping Belle somewhat upright. She could not help but laugh once or twice as she fell over her own feet on numerous occasions. She helped Ruby up the path and opened the door for them before turning to her,

“Are you going to be okay, or do you need a hand to get her into bed?”

“I've never had any trouble with other people,” Ruby winked but then smiled at her friend's offer. “No, it's okay I've got this. Thanks though, Em. It was really great seeing you let your hair down for once.”

“I had a great time. Perhaps we could do it again soon?”

“Like you even need to ask! Give me a text when you get in so I know you’re safe.” 

And with that, the leggy brunette ushered the very drunk Belle into the house. She turned to see Emma stumbling slightly down the path and cursing at her heels. 

The sheriff realised that the garden path had gone dark, a sign that Ruby had now closed the door. She stumbled down the rest of the street wondering what the hell she was thinking wearing heels this high when she knew she was going to be dancing and drinking. Emma looked up and realised she was not that far from home now, so she kept her pace, trying to get to the safety of the mansion where she could kick off her heels and not see them again for a while. 

As she rounded a corner a man came flying out from the alleyway and clamped a hand firmly around her mouth. Emma tried to scream and fight the person off. She did not need to see the person to know it was a man. She could tell that from the size of the hand and the strength he had as he pulled her roughly down into the dark depths of the alley.

“Do not make a sound! If you do I will slice your fucking throat ear to ear! Do you understand?!”  
The blonde was thrown to the floor against the wall, landing with a hard thump. She banged her head and everything went dark. When she came too she felt the heavy weight of the man on top of her trying to get into her panties. She quickly raised her knee and impacted him in the stomach trying to by time to escape, but all the man did was laugh and pin her down by her throat. He snarled at her his breath smelt of nothing but cigarettes and alcohol and a sickly sweet cologne. Emma thought she recognised his voice but she could not be so sure.

“You stupid little bitch, you haven't learnt anything have you?! Well let me remind you of what it means to be a good little girl Emma.”

Emma's mind shot back to her last foster home where the so-called Father would constantly abuse her in many different ways. She remembered that once he had come into her room and forced his penis into her mouth threatening her that if she did not do what he wanted then he would kill her. When he finally left her, she quickly gathered her stuff and left in the dead of night and never returned. She felt sick. Surely it wasn't...? The cologne, the voice, the look of him.... “Let me remind you of what it means to be a good little girl Emma.” The blonde reached around her feeling something heavy in her pal. She did not even stop to think. This was not going to happen to her again. She lifted the object and with one swoop of her arm she hit him over the head and kicked him square in the stomach using all of her strength to get back on her feet she kicked him again. She kicked off her heels picking them up and ran back to the mansion with tears and blood streaming down her face.

Regina was startled awake from her nap she had not meant to fall asleep as she waited for her better half, but it was late and she had a hell of a day in the office. As she descended the steps into the foyer she heard crying and Emma heavy breathing she threw all caution to the wind and skipped two steps until she was at the bottom and found her way to the blonde heap on the floor she flicked a lamp on and noticed she had blood on her and her dress was ripped. Regina quickly dropped to her knees and went to embrace the blonde who looked so broken and fragile in that moment. As strong olive skinned arms made contact with the fragile porcelain doll, she flinched away and recoiled in herself causing the mayor to retracted her arms and try soothing her down with her voice alone.

“Sssh, Emma... It's okay, I'm here. You're okay”

Emma shook her head violently. She had sobered up very quickly and all together too soon for her to handle the situation she had found herself in. How had he found her? How did he get into Storybrooke and why the hell could he not just leave her alone and let her get on with her life? She had done nothing to him, not one thing. She endured years of abuse and torture and never once spoke out of line or complained about the way he spoke to or treated her. She was “a good little girl.”

“It's not okay! It's never going to be “okay!” I'm broken and I'm never going to be fixed!” Emma sobbed uncontrollably.

Regina just wanted to wrap her up in her arms and protect her from the world. She wished she could cast a spell and take all over her worries and bad memories away from her but at the same time she knew that is why Emma is well, Emma and she would not change her for anything. Regina held onto Emma's hand and she took it as permission to be touched. She got to her feet and gently helped Emma up before leading her up the stairs and into the bathroom to get cleaned up. She did not want to ask too many questions right now, given the state Emma was in, and she knew that the blonde would open up and talk about what had happened when she was ready. The sheriff relaxed into Regina's embrace and held onto her for what seemed to be an eternity as the mayor took extra special care to not frighten or make her jump. She slowly washed her face free of now smudged make up and dried blood. Then she ran a soft-toothed comb through her knotted hair and put it up in a ponytail out of the way. Regina sat her down on the seat in the bathroom whilst she went into the bedroom and came back with fresh pyjamas, handing them to Emma.

“Do you want me to...?”

Emma shook her head no. She did not want to be left alone. If there was anyone that she could trust not to abuse her it was Regina. The mayor slowly stepped forward as Emma stood and unzipped the back of her dress giving it a gentle tug to encourage it to pool at the floor. She did turn her back to give Emma some privacy. She did not want to seem like she was imposing or abusing the situation of Emma being so vulnerable. The blonde appreciated Regina's understanding and she stepped forward, now clad in silk pyjamas before following the brunette into the bedroom. Regina pulled back the covers and tucked Emma in she looked into forest green pools, noticing nothing but sadness and vulnerability shining back. She had so many questions running around in her mind. What had happened to the happy Emma she had spoken to only an hour ago on the phone? Why did Emma have blood on her and why was her dress torn? Then it all fell into place and clicked. Regina felt her heart sink and bile rise up in her throat she did not want to alarm Emma, but at the same time she wanted to go out there and find who the monster was that did this to her love. 

The blonde smiled weakly up at her loyal girlfriend before taking hold of her hand once again. She couldn't say anything, but she did not have to for Regina knew everything she wanted to say from those eyes.

“You're welcome. Try and get some sleep dear. I'm going to be here when you wake up, okay?”

Emma just nodded. She was so tired, but the likelihood of getting any sleep for tonight, or the nights to come was pretty slim. She closed her eyes and gave into the surrender of the remains of alcohol in her system. Regina could not and would not sleep. She wanted to be true to her word and be there for her Emma instantly should she ever need her. She wished to herself that she could have done more. She should have gone to meet her from the bar. She should have protected her more. 

No, you cannot do this to yourself Regina. You need to be strong for Emma, for yourself. This was not Emma's fault but it also wasn't yours. 

Regina's thoughts whirled around in her mind, never settling. She glanced over at the sleeping blonde and her heart shattered into a million pieces, seeing tears rolling down her cheeks, which were paler than usual.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mentions of Abuse, Self Harm and Alcohol Abuse.

It has been two weeks since the night when the mayor found her usually cocky sheriff girlfriend laying in the foyer, covered in blood and looking broken beyond repair. She still does not know what had happened. She just could not bring herself to ask Emma in case it destroyed her further. Regina noticed the change in the blonde's behaviour; she had started to drink heavily, skip meals, slack on her duties, and reject any social invitations. The brunette's concerns grew for her girlfriend, and she had absolutely no idea what to do for the best. She cooked one of Emma's favourite meals in the attempt of enticing her to at least try and eat something. As she laid the table, the blonde came into the dining room and leaned against the doorway. Regina cast her eyes up at hearing Emma's voice. Her heart sank to the very bottom of her stomach as she saw the state her Emma was in. Her golden hair was a mass of knots and tangles and more brown than golden yellow, her cheeks were a deathly shade of white, and she noticed that her usual choice of tank tops had been replaced by long sleeved shirts which made Regina's mind go into overdrive.

“What's for dinner?” Emma asked faintly as she toyed with the bottoms of her sleeves and shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

“I've cooked some home made chilli and cheese burgers. I know how much you like them.” Regina smiled softly in the hopes that the younger woman would find tonight's dinner choice more appealing.

Emma grinned and entered the room taking her place at the dining table, “Well you do make the best burgers around, just don't tell Granny I said that”

Regina was just so glad to have Emma sitting at the table willingly. She had grown to dislike meal times as she would have to spend hours trying to get the stubborn blonde to even sit at the table, let alone eat anything. She was concerned, and she knew that she had to do something. The brunette hurried back into the kitchen, gathered some sauces and relishes along with the burgers and buns, and laid them all out on the table.

Emma licked her dry lips and reached for a burger, placing it in a bun and adding burger sauce and extra cheese. She took a slow, tentative bite, and when she was sure she was not going to vomit the food back up, she practically stuffed the rest of the burger in her mouth and swallowed thickly. Regina would have usually chastised the blonde for such poor dinner manners, but she did not care. She smiled warmly at the blonde,

“Would you like another burger, Emma?”

Emma paused to think for a moment before nodding. Her eyes glazed over as she made eye contact with the brunette seeking permission to take another burger. Regina looked confused for a split moment. Emma had never stopped to ask permission especially after being offered one but she thought back to everything that had happened over the last two weeks and she put two and two together. Emma was back in that place she was in as a child and teenager. Regina reached forward and gently took hold of a shaking pale hand,

“Emma, it's okay. You can have however many you like. The only thing I ask is that you eat this one a little slower than you did the last. I would hate for you to get an upset stomach.” 

The mayor smiled softly as a faint smile ghosted across Emma's lips and the blonde nodded her agreement to Regina's question before getting herself another burger and taking a slower and more manageable bite. She savoured every mouthful. Regina really did make the best chilli and cheese burgers around.

When they both had enough, Emma helped her girlfriend clear away the plates and helped to do the dishes. She washed and Regina dried. She needed to do something to distract herself and to help out. Emma knew that she needed to get her act together. She was not blind. She could see what she was doing to Regina and she knew that the brunette was sleeping in fear of not being there for her if she had yet another nightmare. The sheriff has not been to the station since the night she went out with Ruby and Belle, and she knew that she needed to sort someone to temporarily replace her, and Regina would have to approve of the new Deputy. When they were done with the dishes, she planned on having a conversation with Regina to try and work a few things out, together.

Emma checked that all the dishes were washed, dried, and put away before getting a drink and following the brunette back into the lounge where a comforting fire was happily burning away. It made the blonde feel warm, safe, and at home. She sat on the sofa carefully and turned side ways on so she could face the mayor,

“Regina, we need to talk...”

Regina's heart started thumping along in her chest. Was this where Emma was going to tell her everything that's happened, or was it the end of their relationship, or...? The former Queen told her inner self to shut up as she turned her full attention to the blonde. She cleared her throat and placed her glass down on a coaster,

“Okay, what do you want to talk about?”

Emma nervously chewed her bottom lip she tried to think of the best way to say what was on her mind. Tact was never a strong point, so she just threw caution to the wind and inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly,

“I'm not sure when I can go back to work, so we need to get a Deputy in place to cover me. We can't really have a town and no sheriff.”

Regina nodded and played with her fingers nervously, 

“Okay. Do you have anyone in mind?”

“I was thinking maybe Ruby or Belle? I trust them both completely. They are both reliable and sensitive, and the townsfolk love them. Oh, and they're active in the community. What's not to love?”

Regina quirked her brow up in surprise. She had expected David, Mary Margaret, Graham or even the dwarves, she was not prepared to hear Ruby and Belle. She could see Emma's logic; the community did love them both, but one thing played on Regina's mind,

“How experienced are they in fighting crime and protecting the people of Storybrooke?”

Emma raised a brow pointedly at Regina,

“Seriously? How experienced was I when the town selected me as their sheriff? You learn along the way on these kinds of things. A lot of common sense and knowledge helps get you by, which I'm sure Belle will provide.”

Regina's lips turned upwards at Emma's remark. She knew better than anybody that if it involved common sense and knowledge, then Belle was the best person in town to look for and ask, not some wolf who tied her boyfriend up to a tree thinking he was the wolf and then killing him. The brunette considered her options, but ultimately she knew that Emma was right and nodded softly,

“Someone does have to take over until you're feeling up to the job again. How come you have not mentioned your Father?”

Emma screwed up her nose and shook her head,

“David won't want to step in. He is too wrapped up in Mary Margaret since Neal was born. I know he's stepped in once before, but truth be told, I would rather leave work life and personal life separate where they are concerned.” 

Regina nodded in agreement. So that was that, Storybrooke's new Sheriff and Deputy now came in the form of Belle French and Ruby Lucas. The mayor played out the image in her mind a few times. She did not really like the idea of Ruby being the one to respond to crimes, but at least she would be under the watchful eye of Belle. She reached forward for her glass and raised it to her lips, allowing the warm liquid to flow down her throat. 

Emma decided that was enough for tonight and reached for her glass and drained the rest of the liquid, then going in search for something stronger. When she re-entered the lounge empty handed, she glanced quickly at the clock above the mantle piece, and realised that it was actually a lot earlier than she had first thought. The sheriff rushed back out of the room and up the stairs in a blur of blonde hair and denim. Regina placed her glass down once again and made her way up the stairs and into the master bedroom seeing Emma getting all dressed up.

“Where are you going?”

“I need to get out. I'm going to go to the Rabbit Hole.” 

Emma quickly dragged a brush through her mane of hair whilst Regina stood in the middle of the bedroom, wide eyed and slack jawed,

“You are NOT going there! Not after what happened two weeks ago, Emma...! I don't even know what happened to you, but I never want to see you that fragile and vulnerable again. It was heartbreaking.”

Emma stopped what she was doing and slowly turned her head towards Regina. There were a lot of things she was described as but “fragile” was one that she did not like. She was not some doll that would crack under so much pressure. Emma slammed down her hairbrush and applied some make up then headed towards the door,

“I am going to go out and try and unwind. I can't just sit inside day in day out, Regina. It's turning me crazy. I cannot avoid places because I have had a bad experience. That's part of life. You can come with me if you so wish but just let me have some fun.”

Regina's eyes looked as though they were going to bulge out of her head and that vein on her forehead sure as hell looked like it may pop any second. 

“All I want to do is to keep you safe and protect you from any more harm, Emma. I cannot bare the thought of someone hurting you. I know what you are saying about needing to face people and not avoid a certain place, but...”

Emma lifted her hand swiftly to silence Regina's ramblings. She did not need this, especially not now. She walked back over towards her brunette lover, feeling guilty for snapping at her. She placed a gentle soft peck on her lips before smiling gently at her,

“I know you are trying to protect me, Regina, but I am an adult. I can take care of myself and if I get hurt then that is my problem. I have dealt with worse when I was a child. I'm sure I can manage this. I am just going to go out for a few drinks and unwind, okay?”

The mayor considered Emma's words. Emma was an adult, and she was starting to suffocate her. She did not want to turn into one of those crazy, overprotective partners who stop their better halves from having fun, all for the sake of a possibility of something going wrong. They would never live. She knew that she would have to let Emma go, regardless of her better judgement.

“Okay. Go. Have some fun, but please, Emma, be safe. I love you so much, and if you need me you call, yeah?”

Emma's eyes glistened as she nodded and placed another loving kiss upon full plump lips. She was so lucky to have somebody as considerate and loving as Regina, somebody who was willing to protect her no matter the cost. 

The blonde finished getting herself read. If she was going to the Rabbit Hole she was going to do it properly.

Once she was ready, Emma checked her make up in the floor length mirror and walked over to Regina, giving her a kiss,

“I love you. I won't be too late tonight, babe.”

Regina smiled lovingly at the blond. She really looked stunning out of that awful denim she tended to hide herself behind,

“Okay. I'll be waiting for you.” 

The blonde gave her one last kiss and then headed downstairs and out of the front door. Regina watched her from their bedroom window as her tummy started to do somersaults with worry. She did not want Emma to go out, but at the same time, she knew she couldn't stop her. The mayor decided to busy herself, starting with doing all the laundry then the dusting. 

Emma entered the Rabbit Hole, and sure enough, heads turned. She could feel eyes on her as she made her way over to the bar. She set up a tab and took three shots then headed onto the dance floor with her bottle of beer. The blonde let the alcohol flow through her blood, and the music took over her body. She moved fluidly in time to the beat, finding herself in her own little world where nothing else mattered. All too soon the beer had gone, so she danced back over to the bar and got another, thinking it would be easier to stick around the area. Emma perched on the only vacant stool and knocked back the beer. Tonight she was going to have a good time, and there was nothing or no one that could stop her.

Three hours and ten beers later, the sheriff was now stumbling more than dancing. She felt hands on her hips and spun around a little too quickly, almost toppling over. She noticed an slightly younger female, which took her by surprise. She had expected to see some overweight dirty guy looking to get lucky, but this woman was beautiful. Emma did not remove the hands from her hips. Instead she danced close to the taller woman and drained the rest of her beer. 

The last orders bell screamed out over the pounding beat causing the blonde to glance at the time. She saw that it was almost one am and decided that she had had enough. She placed her empty bottle on the bar and paid her tab then bee lined out of the club onto the cool street. A voice called out into the otherwise quite street causing Emma to spin around. She was greeted by the female from the club,

“Going so soon? I would have thought someone like you would be partying all night”

Emma closed the gap between the two and gave a small shrug,

“I told my girlfriend I would not be too late, she'll worry about me and the Rabbit Hole gets boring after a while.”

The slightly older woman's face fell slightly at the mention of Emma having a girlfriend and took a small step back,

“You have a girlfriend? That's too bad”

“Not for me it isn't. She's my world.”

“Then how come was she not here with you?” the other woman asked with curiosity,

“Well, she's the mayor and she has a lot of work to catch up on”

The taller woman's eyes widened at the knowledge of who the blonde was dating and she took another step back in fear of making a pass at the mayor's girlfriend,

“You're with Regina Mills?! I am so sorry!”

Emma looked concerned at how scared the other woman became she shook her head softly and smiled brightly at her,

“Hey, don't worry about it. I take it you knew her more from when she was the Evil Queen? She is nothing like that any more. It was lovely meeting you...?”

“Aurora” 

“Emma” the blonde smiled gently as Aurora turned back around and disappeared back inside the bar.

The cold air nipped at her warm exposed skin. She wished she had brought a jacket, but old habits die hard. Emma made her way towards Mifflin Street, and sure enough, walking started to prove a problem, and not just because of her high heel shoes.

Regina could not bear waiting for Emma any longer. She blew out her candles and grabbed her car keys. She knew that the Rabbit Hole was not that far away, but it was a lot safer to drive at this time of night. The brunette pulled out of her driveway and slowly drove down the route Emma was more than likely going to take. Five minutes later, Regina spotted a very drunk looking Emma stumbling along the pavement, and the mayor's heart sank. Why had Emma drunk so much? Why had she not called her to come and pick her up? Why was she taking these risks? 

Emma lost her balance and almost fell off the curb. She was grateful for a hard surface to break her fall. The blonde stared wide eyed as the black car and the Mercedes came clearer in her mind. The sheriff regained her balance as Regina stepped out of the driving seat and walked around to the passenger side, opening the door for Emma.

“Get in. There is no way you are walking home like this, Emma.”

The blonde knew better than to argue. She climbed into the car and clicked her seatbelt in place, turning to face Regina when she got back in,

“Thank you,” Emma smiled softly at the semi confused looking brunette, “for coming to get me.”

“You don't need to thank me, dear. You should have called before you left the bar, though.”

Emma knew Regina was right. She was always right.

They both sat in silence for the rest of the short journey back to the mansion on Mifflin Street. Emma gazed out of the window, looking for any signs of one of the men who ruined her life as a child. There was no sign of him. Perhaps he had done the right thing and left town, leaving her to get on with her life? That was wishful thinking.

Regina pulled up into their driveway, cutting the engine and moving around to the passenger side to help Emma out of the car. She made sure to lock up before helping Emma into the warm house. The sheriff flopped down on the sofa and kicked off her heels, eliciting a moan of relief. Regina waved her hand, putting the shoes in their closest upstairs so neither of them would trip over them.

“Are you hungry?” 

Emma's stomach churned at the possibility of food. True, she had two chilli and cheese burgers before she went out, but that was three shots and ten beers ago,

“Mmm.”

“I'll take that as a yes. Stay there. Put your feet up if you want. I'll be back shortly.”

Regina headed into the kitchen, brewed some fresh coffee, and cooked some scrambled eggs on toast before taking them into the lounge where the younger woman was waiting. She would never allow anyone to eat unless it was in the dining room, but she knew it would be a lot easier to magic away any crumbs and mess than get Emma to the table. She placed the coffee down on a coaster and handed Emma the plate, taking a seat on the sofa next to her with a mug of coffee.

“Ooh, thank you, 'Gina.” Emma inhaled the aroma of the coffee and scrambled eggs before delving into her supper.

“You're welcome, dear.”

Regina watched as Emma happily ate the eggs and drank the coffee. She was glad that she accepted the food and drink; she had expected to have to force it down the blonde.

Emma placed her empty plate on the coffee table, closely followed by the empty mug. She leaned back, her tummy fully satisfied. The brunette took the dirty dishes into the kitchen, deciding she would wash them tomorrow after breakfast. Right now, she wanted to be with Emma. 

She made her way back in the living room and smiled lovingly at the now sleeping blonde who sprawled all over the sofa. The mayor giggled softly and shook her head. This was not an opportunity she would get often. Reaching for her camera, Regina snapped a few photos of the sleeping beauty then waved her hand once again, causing Emma's body to levitate and follow her up to their room. The mayor pulled back the covers and guided Emma under them and tucked her in. As she pulled the covers up over Emma's arms, she noticed some fresh cuts on her arms. The mayor could feel her heart sink and a lump form in her throat as tears threatened to spill down her cheeks. Regina sat on the edge of the bed and watched the blonde sleeping for a few moments before getting herself changed in the bathroom. 

The older woman stared at her reflection in the mirror and finally gave in to her emotions. Her tears rolled in a constant stream down her face, and she was sure she heard her heart shatter into a million tiny pieces. All she ever wanted was to protect Emma, to make her feel happy, safe, secure, and able to talk to her about anything and everything, and she had failed. Emma had harmed herself, and she had not even noticed. Guilt began to overwhelm her, and thoughts spilled into her mind. You should have noticed! You should have paid closer attention. She has started to wear long sleeved shirts for fuck’s sake, Regina! There was no way sleep was going to happen tonight. The brunette made her way back to the bedroom and climbed into bed next to her Swan.

Tomorrow there will be discussions. Tomorrow there will be answers.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mentions of Self Harm, Sexual Abuse, Child Abuse/Sexual Abuse and Alcohol Misuse.

The night was long and exhausting for both Emma and Regina. The brunette had not got any sleep after worrying so much about the blonde's current mental state. She had absolutely no idea what to do to help Emma, and she really hated feeling so powerless at a time like this. 

After battling to get even ten minutes sleep, Regina had enough and got up out of bed. She made her way down into the kitchen and began to prepare some breakfast. 

Emma stirred slowly as light began to pool in through her eyelids. She slowly opened them and noticed that Regina was not at her side. She sighed softly and forced herself up out of bed and headed into the bathroom to take a quick shower. The blonde hissed as the water and soapsuds trickled over her wounds but she also liked the pain that it created. 

As the sheriff made her way down the stairs she could smell the sweet aroma of blueberry pancakes, and almost as if on cue her tummy announced that it was indeed time for food. She made her way into the kitchen. A small smile ghosted across her lips,

“Morning, 'Gina”

The brunette turned around from the stove and smiled through her tiredness at the sight of her girlfriend standing before her clad in nothing but one of her shirts and fresh from the shower,

“Good morning, dear. How are you feeling?” Regina knew that this was a silly question, but she also felt inclined to ask.

Emma gave a small shrug. She felt guilty, broken, dirty, ashamed, and she just did not know how much strength she had left,

“Been better, been worse, I guess.”

The mayor nodded gently. She was not expecting to hear anything else, but the hope was there. She handed Emma her plate of blueberry pancakes and picked up the pot of fresh coffee, joining her at the table. She wanted to bring up the cuts on the sheriff's arm, but she just did not know how to handle the whole situation,

“I'm glad that you are feeling somewhat better,” Regina mentally cursed herself for the lame attempt of small talk. She bit her lip and decided to just come out with what was really on her mind, “Emma, I need to ask you something...” She noticed the way that Emma's hand paused midway to her mouth and the way her eyes shined with fear, “I'm not going to push you into telling me if you are not ready, but I just need to know...What are those marks on your arm? How did you do them?”

Emma froze. She wanted to explain everything to Regina so badly, but she just could not help feeling guilty and ashamed. Of course Regina had spotted her cuts; some were fresh from only yesterday. She hated having to resort to harming herself to help cope, but pride prevented her from talking about her problems to anyone, and overwhelming emotions screamed out at her to just take the knife. The blonde swallowed thickly as she tried to form the words she needed to try and explain and answer the mayor,

“I-- It's a long story. I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it right at this moment.” Emma momentarily made eye contact with Regina and she saw how tired, scared and nervous she really was, causing her heart to break and guilt build up. She bit her lip softly trying to suppress the sensations that began to take hold of her body, “I will explain. Today. I just need some time to wake up and adjust to the day first.”

Regina's lips turned in a faint smile as she reached across and squeezed Emma's hand. She felt pride rush through her veins that the blonde had decided to talk about what was going on with her. She remembered a time not too long ago when Emma would not talk to anyone about anything,

“Thank you. Take your time, though. I do not want you to feel pressured or rushed into talking about it if you are not ready, dear.”

Emma shook her head looking deep into chocolate pools,

“I don't feel pressured. This is affecting you too, you deserve an explanation into everything.”

The mayor got up from her place at the table and walked around to where Emma was sitting and pulled her up into a gentle but loving embrace. She did not know what to expect from the blonde, whether she was going to allow the gesture or not, but the sensation of her Emma relaxing into her body made her heart flutter with joy.

“I love you Emma, so much.”

The blonde's eyes fluttered closed as tears began to spill down her cheeks. She had never felt so loved, so connected with anyone before, that in itself was more than overwhelming,

“I know. I love you too.”

Regina was the first one to break the contact. She did not want to, but they had dishes to clean up. Emma gathered most of the pots and filled the sink with warm, soapy water. The brunette gasped out loud causing a questioning look from the blonde,

“Are you feeling okay?!”

“...Yeah, why?”

The brunette bit her lip to try and contain her giggle but to no avail,

“You are washing the pots instead of drying them”

Emma threw a playful glare towards the brunette and gathered some suds on her hand blowing them into her face. Regina wiped the suds away laughing at the sheriff's childlike behaviour. It really warmed her heart, seeing her having some fun and smiling again,

“You asked for that! Now hurry up and dry, woman.”

The brunette chuckled and picked up the tea towel and began to dry the well-scrubbed pots the blonde handed to her. She noticed how hard Emma concentrated to make sure that the dishes were spotless, and she assumed that it was a coping and distraction technique for her. She smiled and placed the last dish in its rightful place in the cupboard.

When Regina turned around to thank Emma for her help, she realised that she had disappeared. Momentary panic set in as she let her sleep deprived mind run wild at the possibilities of what could have happened,

Maybe she has materialised herself out of here and gone some place because you were too hard on her. Seriously Regina, what were you thinking asking so much of Emma so soon? Surely you would know how to spot a desperate soul!

The mayor shook her head to try and vanish the thoughts. She suddenly felt really weak and nauseous at the thought of Emma bailing on her when she was clearly in such a fragile state. The brunette was just about to completely freak out when Emma appeared in her signature white cloud of smoke with the laundry from all over the house in her arms. The blonde picked up on Regina's look of complete relief at seeing her,

“Are you okay 'Gina? You don't look too well.” Emma dumped the laundry in a pile on the floor in the front of the washing machine before turning her attention to the brunette, “Sit down. I'll get you some water.”

Emma led Regina to the chair and sat her down before getting her a glass of cold water. She felt sick to her stomach that she had caused her love so much panic and worry. The blonde decided that they really need to have this conversation sooner rather than later. She made her way back over to Regina with the water and handed it to her before flicking her wrist and loading the washing machine with magic to save time on something so trivial,

“Emma, I am fine, honestly. You needn't worry about me. I just never got much sleep last night. That is all. You need to be careful using so much magic too; it drains your energy,” Regina warned carefully. She did not want to come across as patronising, but she did not want Emma to harm herself any more than she already had,

“You haven't slept for ages, Regina. I know that you stay awake waiting for me to have a nightmare because you want to be there to help comfort me. I'm sorry that I've caused you so much worry and stress...” Emma sat on the chair opposite Regina and took a deep breath. “I need to explain everything to you now. I know it's having an impact on you and your health too, so if me talking about what's going on is going to help you, then I will.”

Regina did not want to interrupt, but she got up from her seat at the dining table and led Emma into the lounge where they would both be more comfortable. Heaven knows how long this was going to take.

The brunette sat on the sofa and patted the side next to her indicating for Emma to come and join her. Once they were both comfortable, she took hold of her hand,

“I appreciate you for wanting to talk about this, Emma. I just want to make sure that you are ready and you are not doing it just to make me feel better. I want you to be ready for this.” 

Regina had absolutely no idea what was going to come out of this conversation but what she did know was that it was going to be a very difficult one from the way that the blonde was acting. The sheriff smiled faintly, grateful for the care and consideration her girlfriend was showing her but she knew that she had to do this, for herself AND for Regina,

“I am ready. I can't keep this from you any longer. It's destroying me from the inside out and it's started to destroy you too. I hate seeing you so anxious and worried, and I'm just so sorry that I let it go on for as long as I have.” Emma took a deep breath and carefully chose where to start the conversation, “This is going to be a difficult one for me, so you'll just have to bare with me, okay?”

The brunette nodded. She could feel the anxiety tear her up from the inside. She needed to be strong for Emma. The mayor turned slightly on the sofa so she was facing the blonde as she began to explain everything,

“Okay, so you know about me being in foster care and about what some of the families did to me? Well, do you remember that one family I told you about with the “dad” who forced himself on me?” 

Regina nodded again. She already felt anger, sickness, and rage from inside her gut. She really needed to hold it all together,

“Yes, I remember you told me about him,” she lightly encouraged Emma to continue,

“Well after he did that to me I started to self harm. It was only ever superficial cuts, but it was my life. All I thought about was when the next possibility for me to cut was going to be. Every day when I went to school I just could not cope with anything. The emotions and thoughts I was experiencing sent me into a downward spiral. My teachers just thought that I was being an attention seeker and kicked me out of class. Never did any of them actually bother to sit down with me to try and talk about what's been going on.” 

Regina's heart shattered into one million pieces. She did not want Emma to mistake her sadness for pity. She was always cautious about that. She knew how much the blonde hated people taking pity on her and being sympathetic to the point where it's sickening. The brunette was surprised to hear that none of Emma's teachers even bothered to talk to her when her behaviour change. She could not help but feel angry knowing that if they had done their jobs, maybe, just maybe the blonde would not be as damaged as she was. Regina bit her lower lip, trapping what she really wanted to say and pressed for Emma to continue,

“They should have done a better job. They should have talked to you as soon as they noticed any changes in you.” 

The blonde shrugged softly. She was used to people just letting her get on with things and not really caring about her,

“Yeah, well anyway,” Emma cleared her throat and tried to find a good place to restart her explanation, “When I turned sixteen, I left that family's home, and I never looked back. I was done with him abusing me and the so-called mother verbally abusing me. I could not handle it any more. I got a job as a waitress to try and make some sort of income to be able to save up and get my own place. My boss was pretty decent. He let me stay at his on the sofa and I pulled double shifts to pay him back by working when he was short staffed, but then one day he just closed the diner and was never seen again. Which meant I was back on the streets looking for some place to go.” Emma stopped for a moment to collect herself, “It was a couple of months later when I saw an advertisement for a waitress position not far from here. I met Ruby there and she took me in to her home. She took care of me like I was a sister. It was nice.” Emma smiled at the memory,

“I did wonder how you two met. I could tell that you already knew her from before you moved here I just did not understand how.” Regina smiled. She was glad that Emma had met somebody that showed her some sign of kindness, “I thought that she always lived here though.”

Emma nodded, “She did, kinda. Her Granny has always lived here but Ruby came and went a lot. She was working for the guy's diner where we met but when I left and came to Storybrooke she left and came back here too. She said that she did not see the point in keeping her job there any longer than she had to, not when her granny owned a diner where she could do the same work but for people who actually appreciated her.” Emma laughed as Regina rolled her eyes, 

“Yeah and she knows people appreciate her at Granny's.” She smiled and Emma just gave her a look before giggling,

“Anyway. So then I met you and everything has been great. I haven't self harmed for a while and I thought that maybe, just maybe, I had learned some self control and gotten something right for a change.” 

Emma sighed sadly as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Regina could tell that this was starting to get really difficult for the blonde and she reached out and took hold of her hand gently,

“You're doing really well. Do you want to break?”

The sheriff looked up and shook her head no. She needed to do this. She took a sip of her drink and took a deep breath before continuing,

“I went to the Rabbit Hole with Ruby and Belle the other week, you remember?” Regina nodded, “So everything was great. We drank and danced and drank some more. It was great to just let my hair down and be more free but still feel safe. I had never done anything like that before. Ruby got me onto some cocktails and Belle got me dancing more than I have ever danced. It was a great night. We all left together and I walked Ruby and Belle back to Granny's, Belle was pretty drunk and Ruby had difficulty in keeping her upright on her own so I helped her. I said bye to Ruby and made my way back here...” Emma's eyes filled up with tears. She would be damned if that jerk made her cry! She swallowed thickly and squeezed Regina's hand tighter as all the emotions came flooding back,

“Ssh, it's okay, you're doing really well, dear,” Regina cooed softly as she rubbed comforting circles on Emma's hand.

“I got to the alleyway when some guy just grabbed me and pulled me down into the dark. He threw me to the floor and started trying to undress me. I kicked and hit out at him. I used all my strength to fight him off. He just got more angry and said to me 'Let me remind you what it means to be a good little girl, Emma.'” The blonde blinked her tears away and took a shaky breath, “It all came back to me then. The guy who had just dragged me down the alley, who was trying to rape me, was my old foster dad from that family.” 

Regina's normally olive toned skin was paler than usual at hearing the revelations from her girlfriend's mouth. She could not honestly believe what Emma was saying. No wonder the blonde had been acting so off these last few weeks but the one thing that stuck out to her was the fact that she was not there for her when she needed her the most. Guilt set in, and she pulled Emma in to a gentle but loving embrace,

“I am so sorry Emma. I had absolutely no idea... I want you to know that you are not alone and that you never will be again.” Regina pulled away from the cuddle and looked into vulnerable forest green eyes, “I want you to be able to talk to me about anything and everything, okay? I hate the fact that you were trying to cope with that on your own, Emma. I want to be able to help you.”

Emma nodded softly as a stray tear ran down her cheek. She did not know why she did not tell Regina what had happened. Perhaps it was shame or fear and perhaps a bit of pride. She did not want to come across as the weak one who needed someone to help her fight her corner. Emma Swan never needed anyone before; she sure as hell did not need them now, or so she believed,

“I know. I can talk to you. I just...I don't know. I just needed to try and cope with this and work through it on my own? I don't want to be weak...”

Regina felt her heart sink at the blonde's words. Her heart started to beat faster and her thoughts began to scatter all around her mind,

“Emma, baby, you are not weak. I understand that you needed time to wrap your head around what happened, but the fact that you have talked about it does not make you weak. It is quite the opposite actually. It shows how strong you are.”

The sheriff bit her lip as her eyes searched for something to focus on. She took another sip of her drink and sighed heavily,

“I sure as hell don't feel strong. I feel weak and pathetic. I feel targeted. I feel as though I am destined for a lifetime of abuse. Let's face it, that is all I have ever known! He has found out somehow that I am in Storybrooke who's to say that he won't be coming back?” 

Emma started to cry she felt her worries pour out in the form of tears as she clung to Regina, trying to seek some form of comfort and safety. She knew that deep down, it was unlikely that she was ever going to see her old foster dad again, but just the thought alone terrified her. 

Regina held onto the shaking, vulnerable woman, feeling her heart grow weaker and weaker with each tear she wiped from a pale cheek. She had never seen Emma like this before, and she was not sure how to help her. Her thoughts began to cause turmoil insider her mind,

You should have done better to protect her in the first place, Regina. You are a useless partner! You cannot even comfort her and tell her that everything will be okay. How can you make a promise you cannot keep?! She tried to shake the thoughts away. She was going to do everything it takes to help Emma feel safe again and she did not care how long that took her.

“I am always going to be here for you, Emma, that I can promise you. I can also promise you that you are strong and that you are destined for greater things than what you have experienced so far. I am going to stand by you and help you through this, if you'll let me?”

Emma did not really know what Regina was talking about. She looked up into brown eyes with a questioning gaze. The brunette smiled softly and looked right back into forest green being sure to answer with gentleness in her tone,

“I think that it will be a good idea to find a good therapist that will work with you and help you come to terms with what has happened. I can do that with you, but I am not qualified to help you cope with the feelings that it all brings up for you, and I do not want to fuck it up. This deserves the care and attention only a therapist can bring to you.”

The blonde could feel panic rise up within her at the mention of a therapist. She had no intentions of ever dealing with one of those in all her life, but maybe Regina was right. Maybe she needed to speak to somebody to help her deal with the emotions attached to what had happened to her in order to move on with her life and not expect abuse. She did feel guilty in opening up and telling Regina that all she had known is abuse and who's to say that it won't happen again. In all honesty, she still half expected the brunette to turn around and punch her in the face. She knew now that was never going to happen, no matter how hard she pushed her. Emma thought about everything before inhaling sharply and nodding,

“You're right. I need to deal with all of this in a controlled environment. It would do me good to be able to put it all to bed and not have it define me.”

The brunette smiled and made a mental note to find a good therapist. She knew that she would have to look for one outside of Storybrooke but she did not care, as long as she found someone who could help and that Emma could feel she could trust. She loved seeing the more positive side of Emma and even now, when everything was so raw and fresh, the blonde still surprised her with some form of positivity,

“I am so proud of you, Em.”

Emma could not find the words. She smiled and hugged Regina tight. She could tell that something was not sitting right with the brunette, but she put it all down to everything she had just said. It was only natural that Regina needed time to digest everything and come to terms with it all.

“'Gina?”

“Hm?”

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making you ill with everything that's gone on. I never meant for you to get hurt too.” 

Regina could feel how intense her guilt was. She still blamed herself for everything that happened to Emma. She still blamed herself in the sense that she could have done more to protect her, she blamed herself that Emma got hurt and violated again, and she blamed herself for not being approachable. Just to add to that list, she now blamed herself for making Emma feel guilty. The mayor shook her head quickly and looked at the blonde,

“No! No Emma, don't you dare feel guilty for this. This was not your fault! I was worried about you, but really do not blame yourself for this, okay? I will be okay, just like you will be.”

The blonde looked sceptical. She honestly did not know that it meant to be “okay” any more and she had realised just how tired looking and thin her girlfriend had become over the last few weeks. She sighed gently,

“Promise me one thing?”

“I will if it's something I can promise, dear.”

“Promise me that we will both get through this?”

Regina smiled softly as she pulled Emma in for another cuddle. She placed a soft, loving kiss on her lips and whispered,

“I promise you we will get through this, together. We've got this, yeah?”

Emma's heart fluttered and her eyes lit up with hope and strength for the first time in months as she heard her Regina's promise. She smiled and kissed full plump lips,

“Yeah, we have, baby.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Mentions of Abuse/Historic Child Abuse, Self Harm/Blood, Flashbacks and Nightmares.

Things have most definitely not been easy since Emma explained what had happened on the way home from the Rabbit Hole. The couple spent most of their time together researching different psychiatrists that specialised in the type of problems that the blonde needed help with, and every single one they contacted expressed their desire to work with them but went on to say that Emma's case was far too complex for them to handle and to “possibly try this number.”

The sheriff started to grow increasingly anxious and agitated as they ended the call to the twelfth doctor's office,

“It's no use! Nobody wants to help me! I'm far too broken for anyone to ever be able to put me back together!,” she started to pace around the study as tears of anger, frustration and desperation began to trickle down her cheeks, “How can I possibly get better if no one is going to at least try to help?!” 

Regina rose to her feet and took slow steps over to her rapidly crumbling girlfriend. She hated seeing Emma so upset, she wished that she could do something to at least try to help, or better still, to take it all away from her. The brunette reached out and pulled Emma into a gentle, loving embrace and used her free hand to trace comforting, soothing circles on her lower back,

“I know you are frustrated, dear. I am too. What we have got to remember is that these people are professionals; they're experienced and they know what is best. At least they are being honest with us by explaining that they are probably not the best people to help instead of us going to meet them and setting you up to fail.”

Emma inhaled sharply. She knew Regina was right. Her rational began to creep back in and began to battle with her irrational self; she was so conflicted by the situation. Parts of her wanted to give up and just throw in the towel, but the biggest part of her knew that she wanted and needed help to live, cope, and manage her emotions and how to deal with the traumas of her past. She sighed as she tried to regain control before smiling faintly at the brunette,

“I know. I just... I'm scared that this is just going to consume me and that I'll end up dragging you down with me. I don't want to mess up your life too, Regina.”

The mayor stood back and looked into Emma's eyes. She could see the dark depths of her soul reflecting back at her as tears now began to stream down her face, leaving a trail of black from her make up,

“You are not dragging me anywhere, Emma. I love you, so much. We are in this together, and no matter how difficult it is, whatever happens, I am always going to be here to help and support you through this. You have most certainly not messed my life up. If anything, you have made it a much more happier place to be.”

The sheriff smiled weakly as she nodded her head. She knew that Regina respected honesty and trust. She had never held anything back from her before, and she had never lied to her, not even a small, little white one. She did know in her heart of hearts that she would always be there for her, but fear began to creep back in as she began to sob once again,

“How could it be a happier place? I haven't given you anything worthwhile! I'm a mess and I don't know if I can ever be fixed! You deserve so much better than this, Regina. You should get yourself out whilst you still can...”

Regina grabbed Emma's arms and gently shook her to try and inject some sense into her. She could feel all of her emotions reaching exploding point as her tears turned into more desperate and frantic ones,

“Emma! Emma, you listen to me. You are not worthless, and you have given me something so special that can never be replaced or reproduced. You have given me hope, shown me what it is truly like to be loved, respected, protected, and cared for. You have helped me experience what it is like to finally be happy and feel like I belong.” Regina tried her best to blink away some of her tears as her eyes searched out Emma's. One of her hands reached out and began to stroke her cheek softly, “I love you with every ounce of my being. I am not going anywhere, believe me.”

The blonde sighed and wiped away her tears. She knew that what Regina was saying was the truth, but with her being abandoned so many times in the past, she knew that the fear would always be there, especially now that Regina knew how weak she really was. Emma's internal dialogue started to settle down enough so she could think more rationally about everything,

“I just want to be who I was before, you know? I don't care about going back in time to solve everything that happened whilst I was in care. What I'm bothered about most is how I've lost who I really am,” Emma inhaled sharply as more tears threatened to spill down her cheeks. She clung to Regina to seek out some much-needed comfort from the brunette, “I don't know what I like or dislike. I don't know what my hobbies or interests are. I don't know how I'm going to act or react to anyone or anything. I'm so sensitive to people's comments whereas before I never gave a shit,” the blonde sighed heavily again, “I don't know if I can trust anybody ever again, with the exception of you. You are the only person who I have been with who hasn't given me any reason to doubt you.”

Regina could feel her pulse quicken as Emma spoke. Her heart ached as the younger woman laid her heart on her sleeve and truly opened up to her. She wished so hard that she could take away some of that fear, uncertainty and violation; she would never take it all away, not when that was what made Emma, Emma.

“Things are not going to be the same again, Em. They can be similar but you cannot get back something that is gone. You can get back your personality and even begin to trust people again but that will take time and extensive work,” Regina glanced at her clock and turned back to Emma, “Speaking of which, I think we should call this last number and then take a break and do something fun. How does that sound?”

Emma nodded. The break from all of the stress sounded very appealing indeed, but there was still one thing on her mind, something that she needed to so desperately bring up with her girlfriend,

“Regina?”

“Yes, dear?”

“I want this help more than anything in the world. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I know what kind of impact it is having on you with me acting this way. I just don't know how to control my thoughts, I'm trying though,” Emma groaned at herself mentally as she realised she had began to ramble. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, “What I'm trying to say is, I know that you're suffering, too. I want you to have some support in place to help you.”

Regina's heart almost exploded in gratitude but also guilt as she had never intended on Emma picking up on her behavioural changes; the last thing that she wanted to do was to put more pressure onto the blonde and make her feel even worse about herself,

“Oh Emma, I--,” the brunette so desperately wanted to tell her that she was okay but she would never lie to Emma; she cared and respected her more than that, “I will admit that this has been difficult but that is not your fault. I have never experienced anything like this before, it is all very new to me.” Regina paused and quickly thought over the sheriff's words before inhaling slowly and smiling, “If it will make you feel better then I will get some support and help sorted, but you need not worry about that.”

Emma's worried look quickly turned to one of disgust. She scoffed before taking hold of an olive toned hand, 

“Do you really think I will just stand by and let you find some help on your own? Really? After all that you've done to help me? Think again!”

Regina knew that the blonde had her best interests at heart, but she also knew that she really needed to save all of her energy to help with her own problems and recovery. She did not need someone else to worry about,

“I know, Emma. I know you want to help me the way I have you, but believe me when I say this: you will need to preserve as much energy as possible in order to help aid your own recovery. This is not going to be easy. You will be drained of every emotion possible.”

The blonde worried her lip. She really did not know how she was going to cope with not only opening herself up to a complete stranger in a therapeutic environment, being in a mental health facility and dealing with overwhelming emotions. She highly doubted that she would be able to find something to self harm with once she was in the establishment, and that alone would drive her crazy. She took a deep breath and mentally counted to five before slowly exhaling again, earning a worried look from the brunette,

“I'm fine. Don't worry. I'm just...anxious, I guess. I want to be able to help you, 'Gina. I feel so bad for putting you through all of this, and I just don't know if I'm ready to expose myself to a complete stranger and get the most out of the therapy. I'm not one to cope very well with overwhelming emotions...”

The mayor smiled softly to herself. She knew that the blonde was worried, but she also knew that her thoughts and feelings were completely normal and natural for what she was about to do. She gently tucked a stray piece of blonde hair behind Emma's ear and placed a chaste kiss to dry lips,

“Do not feel bad, Emma. I want you to accept that my feelings, thoughts, and actions are my stuff. You need to be able to separate the two. How I feel, how I act, and how I think are all things that I do, not you. The same applies to me for you. I cannot control how you feel, think or act upon. I wish I could but I cannot. We are human. We have our own impulses and instincts.”

The younger woman looked in awe at the brunette, and slightly surprised,

“I had no idea you were a therapist,” Emma joked before turning serious again, “Where did you learn that?”

Regina smiled and looked straight into a sea of green,

“Experience. Shall we get this last number called and see what they say, dear?”

Emma had no idea what Regina meant by experience. She stored that away to ask at a later date. Right now she just wanted to get all of this out of the way so she could enjoy some time with her woman that did not involve calling around facilities to help with her damaged soul.

Regina dialled the next number on the list and she could feel her own heartbeat increase. This was the last number that she could find and she did not know where to turn if this was not the place for Emma. After a short few minutes the receptionist on the other end of the line picked up in a friendly, warm tone. The brunette explained what she was seeking, or rather, what Emma was seeking and a grin spread across her face. She asked the receptionist if they could book an appointment to meet with someone to discuss things further before hanging up,

“So, I take it they sounded good then?” Emma was slightly pissed that Regina had not relayed any messages back to her so she could make the decision if she wanted to meet them to discuss things,

“They sound more than good. They sound absolutely perfect. They have different counselling programmes to help with abuse of any kind as well as self harming behaviours and they offer CBT and DBT, so you have a choice about how deep you go into therapy. Friends and family can visit however often they like and it is only a short term residential so you will not be away from home for long, maybe three, four months.”

The blonde could feel her complexion rapidly change from crimson with anger to ghostly pale with fear. She wanted the help more than anything, but she just was not convinced that she had what it takes to get better,

“It would have been nice for you to ask what I thought before booking to meet them, Regina. This is about my problems, my damaged soul, my past, not yours.” Emma clenched her jaw, she could feel the turmoil begin to tear through her like an out of control power tool, “It's going to be a complete waste of time anyway, as if I am going to go to this place for three months and come out cured! What kind of joke is that?”

Regina sighed softly as she realised her mistake, 

“I'm sorry, dear. I just want what is best for you. I want you to feel more at ease, safer with yourself. I want you to be able to trust yourself again,” she jumped slightly at Emma's rapid change of mood and direction. She really did not know how to respond or cope when the blonde's mood changing so rapidly, “Emma, please, you said so yourself that you want this help.” Regina tried her best to keep calm as Emma began to pace around the room tugging at her hair and muttering to herself,

“You have no idea what it's like, Regina! I can't handle this! I can't go away into some place where people don't know me and is full of lunatics. I don't belong there! I belong here, with you, with my family and my friends! I don't need help, I can help myself! I've done it before and I'll do it again!”

The brunette sighed softly, she really did not know what to do or say to try and comfort the blonde. In all honesty, the whole experience was draining her soul. She walked on over towards the sobbing blonde and wrapped her arms around her cautiously,

“Emma, you do know that I have your best interests at heart, right?” The blonde just nodded, “I am not going to push you into doing anything that you are not ready to do or do not want to do, okay? I am here to support and love you and I always will, no matter what.”

Emma sniffed heavily as she tried to gain control of her shaking body. All she wanted to do was curl up and snuggle into Regina. She just needed and wanted to feel safe and go back to being her old, usual self, but instead she was this totally different person, and she did not like it. Sure, the sheriff had felt isolated and lonely in the past, and she did not care what others thought about her, but now? She hated going out with Regina. She hated when people stopped in their tracks or turned around to look at her and began to whisper. She hated herself more than ever,

“I don't know what to do,” she confessed before wiping away some stray tears from her blotchy face, “I want to be calm and collected. I want to be the Emma Swan I was when I arrived here. I want to be that feisty blonde who didn't give a shit what people thought about me. I hate being spoken about whenever we go out. I hate...I hate myself.”

Regina honestly did not know how to handle the entire situation. All she wanted to do was break down and cry and hope that this was all just a nightmare, that she would wake up and it would all be over. She knew one thing; she had to be strong. Strong for herself and for the broken blonde beside her. The brunette composed herself and noticed that it was getting late,

“You have nothing to hate yourself for, Emma. You are so strong, beautiful, and wonderful. I am going to be by your side every step of the way. I promise.” She gently tucked some hair behind Emma's ear and kissed her cheek tenderly, “Come on. Let's go to bed. I think we both need a decent nights sleep.”

Emma just nodded and allowed her love to lead her to the bedroom. Once she got there, she stared at her reflection on the mirror and almost did not recognise herself. Her vibrant hair had turned a dirty blonde colour. Her face was dull and haunted. She noticed that she had also lost some weight. She slowly removed her jumper and noticed that the cuts on her arms had started to form into scabs. She hated the way that they looked, so she began to pick at them until they were bleeding again. The blonde quickly got changed into her pyjamas just as Regina exited the en suite. Green eyes followed the olive toned beauty as she climbed into bed,

“Aren't you coming?”

“I just need to brush my teeth. Someone takes a while in there. Must be your beauty secret.”

Regina sat up slightly to look at the blonde wondering what she had meant by that statement, and when the penny dropped, she looked slack jawed and threw a sock in her general direction,

“You are trouble, Miss Swan.”

The sound of Emma's chuckle vibrated through the tiled bathroom shortly followed by the sound of the water running and her brushing her teeth. Regina loved that moment of hearing something other than Emma's sobbing and self-loathing. It really had been too long since she heard genuine laughter from her love. 

Emma looked at herself once again in the bathroom mirror and could see how much of a fuck up she really was. She hated what she was doing to Regina. She hated what she was doing to herself, but there was no way in hell she was prepared to go into hospital. She never needed anyone to help her in the past, and she certainly did not need it now. As she placed her toothbrush back into the cabinet she caught a glimpse of new razor blades and felt a shudder rip through her entire body. She slammed the cabinet shut and practically ran into bed beside the sleepy brunette,

“I love you, 'Gina. I'm sorry, for everything.”

“I love you too, Emma. I just wished there was something else that I could do to try and help you.”

The blonde turned to face the mayor and made solid eye contact for the first time since earlier that afternoon,

“There is. Like I said, I want you to feel supported and I would hate for you to be alone during all of this. I would feel better knowing that you had someone to talk to for help, support and advice too. I know how this is destroying you and that you are only putting on a front. I'm so sorry that I've been a nightmare recently...”

Regina scooted closer and wrapped her arms around a toned waist, almost using her arm as a protective barrier, shielding the love of her life from any other abuse that life may throw her way,

“Hey. Seriously, you have not been a nightmare, Emma. You have been going through a really difficult time, and your reactions are only normal given the situation. I promise you that I will seek some support but I do not want to hear you apologise again, okay? This is not your fault.”

Emma only nodded. She did not have the energy to argue right now. She hated how her mind and heart endured constant battles; she just wanted to be normal again, whatever normal meant. 

The brunette smiled gently and placed a loving kiss to her forehead,

“Good girl. Try and get some rest, my love.”

Olive arms stayed wrapped around the blonde. Her fingertips traced soothing circles on the small of her back as she drifted off into what Regina thought would be a peaceful slumber. Her own eyes felt gritty and ached for some rest, and after an hour of watching Emma sleep soundly she gave into the pull of dreamland. 

The younger woman woke a little while later. Her body glistened with sweat from the streak of moonlight that poured in through the window. She could feel her entire body shaking as the same old nightmare tore her from her sleep. 

She glanced over at Regina who remained in a deep slumber before sliding out of bed and making her way downstairs to where the brunette kept her home made apple cider. Shaky hands carefully poured a tumbler full, quickly followed by another. Five glasses later the blonde swept her hair from out of her eyes and sighed heavily. Her eyes darted to the clock which displayed it was 3:30am. Emma sighed as her mind wandered off to her reoccurring nightmare,

“Emma, my sweet girl, come over here and give your Daddy a cuddle?”

Emma shuddered. The man standing in the doorway repulsed her. She knew deep down that what he does to her is wrong but she could not bring herself to speak out about any of it; no one would believe her anyway,

“I'm busy. I've got to do my homework.” she knew that saying no to him was a big mistake. She had hoped that using her homework as an excuse would deter him somewhat,

“What did you just say?” The man took slow but purposeful strides across from the doorway to the table. The closer he got, the more the teenager could smell the alcohol mixed with his sweat, “I do not give a shit about what YOU are doing. This is MY house so you will do exactly what I say!”

Strong masculine hands reached out and snatched Emma's exercise book from under her, throwing it on the floor along with the rest of her school work and stationary. His hands grabbed thin, protruding shoulders and pulled the blonde out of her seat with force. Emma knew what was coming. She had gotten used to it. 

The man pulled her up the stairs and threw her into her bedroom before slamming the door shut. Emma risked a look at her so called foster Dad and regretted it straight away. The smirk on his face sickened her as he unzipped his trousers and let them drop to the floor,

“Open your eyes and fucking look at me, girl!” He stepped out of his pants and quickly paced the floor to where the teenager stood, looking down at the floor, trying desperately hard to think of something, anything to help her escape. She knew that it was pointless and the easiest way to survive this was to give him what he wants. She slowly flicked her eyes upward and directed them to him, “There's a good girl. You know what you need to do.”

Of course the blonde haired girl knew what she needed to do. This had only been her routine since entering this placement. Her previous families would starve her, hit her, disregard her. The previous group home she was in? Well she would rather die than go back to that place. Emma really fucking hated her parents for giving her up, or rather, abandoning her at the side of the road, when she was a baby; if it was not for them, she would not be going through this. 

Emma closed her eyes once again and slowly got down onto her knees. Her whole body trembled with hatred and she felt physically sick. This time she was going to at least try and get away. This time she was going to be brave and throw caution to the wind. Emma's thought's of escape were ripped away when rough hands slammed her head to where he wanted it. He forced himself in her mouth and pulled her hair with such force clumps fell out into his palms. The blonde knew it was now or never. She stopped struggling and when he was least expecting it she clamped her teeth down with all the force she could muster. 

She did not know how long she had been scratching at her skin for, but when Emma managed to finally ground herself, it was red raw. She poured herself another glass of cider and quickly gulped it down without so much as a flinch from the burning sensation in her throat. Dirty blonde hair began to cling to her forehead as the room started to spin and breathing was almost impossible. She ran to the downstairs bathroom just in time to vomit down the loo. 

Her slender, broken body slouched over porcelain for five minutes as she tried to gain some control over her internal thoughts,

“To hell with this shit!” the blonde murmured to herself. “I'm already a fucking let down, let's add to the never ending list, Swan.”

She picked herself up off of the floor and searched in the cabinet. It did not take her long to come across what she was looking for. The younger woman pressed the cool metal against her skin and pulled it down her arm as slowly and deeply as she could. She moaned softly as she could feel the relief flooding through her entire body and the tell-tale signs of blood dripped down her arm. It was not enough. Emma removed the blade from completing its first cut and repeated the process elsewhere on her skin, again and again and again and again. 

At some point, Emma had sat herself back on the floor. She glanced at her arm that was now a mass of red liquid, but she did not care. The blonde dragged the blade in a different direction, cutting over existing wounds and started to feel light headed, 

“Damn you Regina and your fucking apple cider,” were the last words to slip past her dry, pale pink lips before darkness overcame her.

Regina stirred and reached a hand out to place around Emma but all she could feel was the coolness of the sheets. She frowned in confusion and tried again, only to be greeted with the empty space next to her. The brunette turned her bedside light on and glanced around the room and slid out of bed, wrapping her night robe around her to fight off the night chill. She made her way over to the en-suite and saw no light on but she knocked and checked anyway, and when Emma was not in there, she began to panic.

The mayor turned the landing light on and made her way downstairs. She noticed the kitchen light was on and rolled her eyes, 

“Of course Emma would be in the kitchen, she is always hung--” 

When she entered the room to find it empty besides for the half empty decanter of cider and empty glass, she frowned again. She looked at the clock and noticed it was only 4am. She really did not think Emma was the type to go out for a early morning stroll. It was a chore to get her out of bed for food. The brunette flicked the kitchen light off and was heading to the lounge when she noticed the bathroom light on. Goose pimples began to form on olive toned skin as her hand reached out for the handle. Something really did not feel right. She turned the knob slowly,

“Emma...?” Nothing could have prepared the brunette for the sight that she was about to see. White floor tiles were splattered with droplets of blood as Emma sat slumped against the wall. “EMMA!” Regina raced over to the blonde and gently shook her to try and get some response out of her. In all of the panic she looked at the wounds and noticed that they were not life threatening, but they were in need of some stitches, “Emma, darling, wake up.” Regina shook the blonde again who groaned at the rude awakening,

“What the...? What time is it?!” Emma moaned and rubbed her eyes. Her head throbbed and she felt burning in her left arm causing her to hiss and frown, and then she remembered. Green eyes flew open and looked into deep chocolate brown, “Regina I--,” Emma tried to form an excuse but really, there was not one to give.

The brunette got up slowly and got her first aid kit. She handed the blonde a towel and instructed her to wash her wounds thoroughly before patting them dry. Emma hissed and cursed as the water made contact with her skin. The pain made her knees go weak with more relief and a sense of grounding. When she started to pat them dry it suddenly dawned on her what she had done and how sad Regina looked,

“Regina, I'm so sorry. I—I don't know what's happened...”

The mayor shook her head gently and took hold of Emma's arm softly to inspect the wounds,

“They look superficial but there are some deep ones. They will probably need stitches...”

The blonde snatched her arm back in horror at the mention of stitches. She knew that would mean going to the hospital, and there was no way she was going there,

“They don't need anything of the sort! Just patch them up with a bandage, they'll be fine,” Emma looked up at Regina and saw the look on her face, “I can't go to the hospital, Regina. They'll lock me up for sure!”

The brunette sighed gently and took hold of the blonde's arm again to begin dressing the wounds as carefully and cautiously as she could,

“They will not lock you up, Emma. They will probably want to do a psych exam, though,” Regina could see the panic rise in Emma's face, “We were looking at getting you help anyway, dear. I thought that is what you wanted?”

Emma winced as the material made contact with the deepest wound. She knew Regina was right, but the thought of being examined by psych freaked her out to no end. She was not sure if she even wanted to go away to the appointment they had later in the morning. Tears began to well up in her eyes as she began to feel overwhelmed by her emotions, 

“I feel so weak. I want to get better on my own. I can't stand the thought of somebody else, a so called doctor, helping me through it all. It terrifies me! I won't be able to trust them and open up to them enough for them to help me, so what's the point? I mean, really?”

Regina knew that Emma had strong trust issues and did not cope well when meeting new people, and it was not any wonder why. The younger woman had been abused by too many people. Most, if not all, were in a position of trust at the time. She pulled the blonde into a loving embrace and sighed against her hair, 

“You are not weak, Emma. You are entirely the opposite. The fact that you can recognise your fears and tell me about them, talk about them? Well, not many people can do that.”

Emma scoffed as she looked at the brunette. She did not feel strong, in control, or powerful, which are some of the words she knew the brunette would use,

“You're kidding, right? I am weak. I did this because of a nightmare that I just can't shake off! It's been the same damned one since that night after the Rabbit Hole and it's just pathetic!”

“Emma, what you have been through is traumatic. I honestly am not surprised that you have been having nightmares since. I would be worried if you did not. It is perfectly normal to be going through these emotions; they are normal given the circumstances. What you need help with is to be able to manage all of those thoughts and emotions in a safe and healthy way.”

Regina hoped that Emma would be able to take in everything that she had just said. The brunette hated feeling so powerless and useless over the situation, but there really was nothing else she could do for Emma other than always standing by her, supporting her, and loving her unconditionally. The blonde knew that Regina was right. She did need help with being able to manage her emotions and coping. She hated harming herself because she knew that she was not only hurting herself, but she was hurting Regina, too. Emma sighed softly,

“You're right. I can't keep doing this to myself, to you. It's not fair,” she glanced down at her arm and noticed the blood was starting to seep through before inhaling sharply, “Do you still want to take me to the hospital?” Regina nodded slightly. “Then I'll go.”

Regina smiled proudly as she placed a chaste kiss upon Emma's lips. They both got changed into something more warm and appropriate before setting off on the short journey to the hospital. 

The brunette pulled up in the car park and noticed the blonde had started to get restless and nervous. She placed a hand on Emma's knee and gave it a soft squeeze,

“It is going to be okay, I promise. I am going to be with you the whole time and I am not going to leave your side, okay?”

“Do you promise?” Emma knew that she sounded like a small child but she really fucking hated hospitals and everything that they represent. “Please don't leave me, 'Gina. Even if the doctors ask for you to give us time alone, don't?”

Regina smiled warmly, 

“I promise.”

That was all Emma needed to hear. She knew that Regina would stay true to her word. They both got out of the car and entered the hospital. Emma gave her details to the receptionist and was just about to sit down when the doctor called them through to the treatment room.

Emma walked into the room first, closely followed by Regina who sat down on the chair beside the bed where Emma perched, nervously swinging her legs. The doctor was a young male and with him was a slightly older woman. Regina scanned them trying to determine whether they were good enough to deal with her Emma.

“Good morning, Ladies.” It was the young male who broke the silence first with his cheery tones, but there was also a soothing gentleness to his tones, “I am Doctor Whale, and this is Jac who is from the mental health team. Now, I understand that you have self harmed, Emma. Is that right?”

The blonde cringed at the way that Doctor Whale addressed her, but she went along with it and nodded. She could feel the shame, regret and embarrassment all creeping into play and she just hoped she could keep the defensive side at bay, 

“Okay. Do you mind if we take a look at the wounds?” 

Emma tensed up but nodded again. She untied the bandage and carefully removed it before extending her arm out for the doctor to examine properly,

“They're not even that bad but I kinda overdid it on one or two and went deeper than I intended. 'Gina thinks that they might need stitches?”

The doctor looked up and exchanged looks between the two women and smiled softly. He could sense how scared Emma was and he wanted to make her feel like she was safe around him, 

“She was right, honey. You only need five or six at the most, though. Would you like some local anaesthetic to help with the pain before I start with the suturing?”

Emma shook her head. She could not stand the feeling of numbness from the local. She also needed to feel the pain of the stitches to try and help her not self harm again. It was a stupid thought, but one that she sat with through all six stitches. When the doctor was done, he gave Emma a sweet smile and cleaned the area gently before dressing it,

“Okay. You will need to come back in three days to the dressing clinic to have the stitches checked, and they will check on the healing progress. Do you know how to clean the area and redress it?”

“Yeah, I've had plenty of experience. I know to keep it dry, when I do clean it pat it dry and I know how to dress it and stuff. Thanks....”

“You are more than welcome, Emma.” He smiled at her again before turning to Jac, knowing that she wanted to do her assessment now. “Emma, do you mind if Jac asks you some questions? Just given the reason you have come to the department today, it's routine that we ask for someone to come and give you a psychological examination.”

The blonde shrugged slightly and sighed. She knew it was coming. She was just hoping that it would not have been as soon as this,

“Whatever. You guys need to do your jobs I guess. I would like Regina to stay in the room, though.”

“That is perfectly fine. If that is what you want, then she can stay. I will leave you ladies to it, and if there is anything you need then I will be around so please don't be afraid to ask.”

Both Regina and Emma watched as Doctor Whale left the room, leaving Jac with them. The brunette scanned her eyes up and down the curvy brunette. She envied Jac's long legs more than anything else. She could not help but wonder why she had to be so short. It was not until Emma giggled that Regina was brought back to her surroundings causing her to blink a few times out of confusion,

“Huh?”

Emma smirked and green eyes lit up the way they did when a playful yet cocky remark was about to fall from her perfect lips, 

“Very eloquent, dear.” Emma looked back towards Jac and smiled, “I am sorry about Regina, she is usually on the ball. I don't know what has got into her.”

Regina raised a sculpted brow at the blonde and cleared her throat, 

“Beg my pardon. I simply lost focus for a moment. Do you mind going over what was said again?”

Jac nodded with an understanding smile that ghosted across her lips before going over what her and Emma had discussed,

“Certainly. Emma was just telling me about how she was raised in foster care and group homes. She has told me brief details about her time there and also touched upon the more recent assault,” Jac turned her attention back to the blonde before proceeding, “Is it correct in me believing that the more recent ordeal has resurfaced your past traumas and triggering the decline in your mood, Emma?”

The blonde felt herself tense up, not so much at the questions Jac was asking, but more because she felt safe in talking to her. The whole experience for her was very new, and she did not know what to think or feel about it. She felt terrified and threatened that she would confide in the woman only to have her trust broken and betrayed once again, but something inside of her made her continue,

“It has. I mean, the guy who tried to assault me recently was one of my past foster parents...I mean, if you can call him that.” Emma played with her hands as the nerves began to creep up on her. She glanced at Regina who offered her hand, which she took and held on tightly to it. “I don't even know how he managed to pass clearance to be able to foster in the first place.”

Jac made some notes and nodded at appropriate times to let the younger woman know that she was listening. She made eye contact once again, 

“I am sure that you have already been told this, but I want to make sure that you understand. How you've responded to this kind of trauma is perfectly understandable. Many individuals report self harm, which is seen as a coping technique, and although it is not seen as a massive problem, it is not the most helpful way of coping. It can have a negative impact on how you feel about yourself as well as the people around you. It can also lead to physical health complications such as infections and diseases.” Jac stopped when she noticed that Emma looked guilty, “That does not mean that you ought to feel guilty for self harming though, Emma. I want to propose something to you and it is okay if you do not want to do it.” 

Emma looked up and exchanged looks with Regina before taking a deep breath and exhaling it slowly,

“I know what you're gonna say. You would like to help me learn some better coping techniques and to help me cope with my emotions and thoughts?” Jac looked surprised but nodded confirming Emma's statement, “Regina gave me a heads up before we came here. So...do I book weekly appointments with you then?”

The taller brunette's smile faltered slightly and Regina felt herself tense up. She knew what was coming next. She rather hoped that they would be able to leave the hospital and go to their appointment as planned but what was important was that Emma got help. At least this way she would still be in Storybrooke so her parents were able to visit.

“Emma I do not see people in the community. I am a ward based consultant. That just simply means that I work within the hospital where I can keep a close eye on my patients. Personally I only agree to see three patients at a time so I can focus as much time and commitment to each of them to ensure that they make steady progress so they are able to go back to their families. How would you feel about staying with us? I would recommend you to be admitted for at least six weeks so we are able to work through triggers, emotions, coping and distraction techniques.”

The blonde completely freaked out. She sat bolt upright on the bed and stared wide eyed at Regina,

“I can't stay here! Regina, please, tell her! I just want to go home and just work through this from home. I don't belong in a mental health hospital!”

Regina sighed and took hold of a shaking sweaty palm. She needed to be able to get through to the blonde, but she also knew that she needed to be sensitive so not to upset her further,

“Emma, listen to me. We both knew that this was a possible outcome of coming here, and we both know that it is for the best that you stay. Yes, it is not the place that I would have liked you to be, but it is better than nothing. If you do not like it here I can see if the clinic will accept you as a transfer but it will mean leaving Storybrooke and only seeing me at certain times and probably not every day...”

The younger woman started to panic, and she felt so conflicted. She knew that she had to do this to get better, but at the same time she already felt like she had lost so much from being assaulted. She could not lose any more pride and respect for being admitted to a mental health hospital. She sat up and swung her legs off of the side of the bed and shook her head,

“No. No. I'm not staying in this place! I have only self harmed it's not like I've tried to actually take my life or anything!”

Jac looked up at the younger woman's outburst and jotted down the changes in her behaviour and what she was saying. She looked at Regina with an apologetic look before asking the next question,

“I know that this is a massive shock for you Emma. You must realise that Regina and myself only have your best interests at heart. I need to ask you something else and it is very important that you answer me as truthfully and honestly as you can.” She paused and managed to get the blonde's full attention, “Have you had any thoughts or made any plans to commit suicide?”

Emma's complexion changed rapidly. She could feel her ears burning with anger at being asked such a question. She had thought that she would be better off dead but never did she ever make any plans to take her own life. She could never do such a thing to Regina,

“I've been nothing but honest with you the whole time, so what the hell? I've had thoughts that I would be better off not here any more, but not once have I ever thought about planning to end my own life. I love Regina too much.”

The petite brunette felt her heart break at her lover’s confession. She was glad that she proved too cherished, too important for Emma to leave, but she wanted something more from the blonde. Tears began to spill down her cheeks as the younger woman kept insisting that she did not need to be admitted,

“Emma, for the love of God, just stop! Can you not see what you are doing to yourself? To me?! You are hurting the both of us! I do not think I have what it takes to keep you safe, to keep you alive.” Regina began to sob as she lowered her voice again. Emma stared at her in shock and guilt as she continued, “I do not want to come home from work to discover you dead or bleeding. I want to be able to stay awake all night every night to wake you up from your nightmares, but I just cannot do that. I want you to feel as though you can talk to me about anything instead of bottling it all up, too proud, too ashamed to talk about any of it!” She sobbed and wiped the tears from her face before searching for those comforting green eyes she had grown to love. “Above all else, I just want you to get better.”

The blonde stared back into immense dark brown eyes. She really could see what she was doing to Regina. She was not stupid. She knew that the brunette had not been eating or sleeping properly, and that she feared the worst every time she came in from being at work or out running errands or getting the groceries. She knew that she had to at least try, but there was something that she was not going to let go,

“You want me to get help? To stay here?” Regina nodded as Emma sucked in a mouthful of air and proceeded to exhaling slowly, “Okay. Okay. I'll stay. I'll work at getting better. I'll try and learn how to manage my emotions better and how to cope instead of self destructing, but only if you hold up your end of the bargain and find some help and support for yourself.” 

The mayor could not hide her look of shock and relief as the most stubborn woman she has ever come across finally accepted the one thing that she asked of her. She sighed softly as her tears of desperation and heartbreak turned into ones of happiness and relief, she nodded and smiled softly but with pride at the love of her life,

“Thank you, Emma. I know that you are thinking that you are doing this for me but you need to do this for you first. You are the most important person in all of this, no one else.” she noticed the look Emma gave her and she shook her head softly, “I promise that I will get some help and support. You have inspired me into doing so, dear.”

Emma looked absolutely terrified. Her whole body shook as she held onto Regina's hand. She had absolutely no idea what to expect and what being inside a mental health hospital was like. She did not know what other patients in there were like, what they are capable of, was there certain things that she was not allowed with her and most of all, when would she get to see Regina next?

“'Gina, when will I get to see you? I mean, I'm staying in Storybrooke, right? Can you see me every day?”

Regina looked towards Jac who was so proud of Emma accepting the help, and she nodded addressing both women at the same time,

“Regina can visit every day. Visiting times are 2-4 then 6-8pm all week. You can take your mobile phone with you but we are required to keep your phone charger locked in the office. When you need your phone charging you will leave it in the office and get it later on. You are allowed earphones and headphones but razors, scissors or other electronics need to be handed in. I know it seems tedious and that you are an adult, but I am afraid patient safety comes first.” Jac smiled apologetically at the two women before continuing, “You will be assigned a nurse at the start of each shift but I will be your psychiatrist. You will meet me on a weekly basis. We will work through everything but in a pace that is set by you. If there is something you do not wish to talk about or want to go over then that is perfectly fine. Just tell me. If you feel that you cannot work with me then that is fine as well. I can ask someone else to see you...”

“...No!” Emma's eyes widened in panic. Finally she had met someone who she can trust and feels safe around. She did not want to let that go, “No, I want to work with you, please?”

Jac smiled and looked from Regina back to Emma,

“It would be my pleasure. I will go and make a bed call and get your room all set up for you and I will be back shortly to take you to the unit. Regina can come over with you as well but I am afraid that you will have to stay in the visiting areas. No visitors are permitted in the bedrooms and in communal areas.”

Regina nodded and ran her fingers gently through golden hair knowing that the gestures helps to calm and sooth the blonde,

“I understand. Thank you so much, for all of this.”

“It has been my pleasure. I will come by with some numbers for you to call for some help and support too, if you like?”

“That would be great. Thank you.”

Jac smiled and left the two women alone as she began the admission process for her newest patient.

The brunette held Emma close to her chest and played with her hair. She had so many different emotions running through her body. She did not know what to do or say other than to tell Emma what she did know,

“I am so proud of you, Em. You really have no idea how much I love, respect, and admire you.”

“That's just stupid.”

“No, it is not. You have come here. You have let the Doctor examine you physically and then explained everything to Jac. You have accepted the help that she has offered you and you have not ran away.”

Emma sighed and she could feel her cheeks flushing a light pink shade. She hated compliments and found certain things difficult to hear and understand. Nobody else had ever said anything of the sort to her, and to hear it all now was so new to her. She trusted Regina with her life, and she knew that she would never lie to her. She smiled and cuddled closer into her,

“I'm not running. I've stopped that. This is the start of the improved Emma Swan. There'll be no more running away from my problems. Instead, I'm going to work through them.”

Another tear slipped down Regina's cheek as she looked at the blonde. The amount of love she felt for the woman before her was unreal, and she really did not know how she would be able to cope if Emma had not decided to stay in hospital, or worse, had tried and succeeded in ending her life. The brunette shook her head to rid the thoughts from her brain and smiled at the blonde,

“I am glad to hear it, dear.”

The couple stayed in exactly the same position for what seemed to be a long time. The sound of the door opening and closing broke them out of their trance and they glanced at the intruder. When they realised it was Jac, Emma knew that the time had come already as she looked at Regina and lunged herself at the smaller woman. She pressed her lips against hers in a slow, passionate but loving kiss that was full of emotion and promise,

“I'm going to get better, 'Gina. I swear. I'm going to try my best and get the most out of all of this. I won't let you down, baby.”

“I will see you every day, I promise. Unless you do not want me too, then I respect that. I love you so much, Emma. Good luck, dear.”

Regina moulded their lips together as more tears spilt down her cheeks. She never expected the ordeal to be so emotional. When Emma was the first one to break contact, she knew that she was ready to face up to her problems and get the help that she needed, which made the brunette happy. 

Jac looked at Emma and gave her a warm, reassuring smile,

“Are you ready?”

Emma looked from Jac to Regina before returning her eyes straight ahead of her and firmly nodding,

“As ready as I'll ever be.”


End file.
